I’ve been single for 20 years.
In other words: I have been living as a single woman longer than many young singles have been alive.
I actually hadn’t really thought of it until the past couple of weeks when I saw a few friends’ celebrations of marriage anniversaries. Initially I felt a bit shocked, then sad, and then I began considering all the things that God has been doing in my heart over the now two decades of praying for a spouse.
It feels strange to say, but it really is an anniversary, not of finding “the one,” but of learning to say, “Thy will be done.”
Extended singleness creates an uncomfortable liminality of hope deferred, not just for days, weeks, or months, but for years.
Some invisible assumptions I had for years was that my life must eventually turn out as I had hoped, that suffering must give way to resounding victory, or that singleness somehow meant that I had some sort of “special” ministry calling. I didn’t always have a category for unresolved hope deferred when it came to my desire for marriage.
Some waiting doesn’t end,
Some aches never go away,
Some longings are never fulfilled,
Some hopes die and remain dead,
Or at least, not in this life, not yet.
Accepting this reality can be disappointing, even devastating for singles desperately hoping for God to provide them with a spouse. The thought of giving my closely held desires into the Lord’s hands to sovereignly work as he pleases in my life is scary. It means letting go of control and potentially allowing God to take my life in directions I would never have chosen. It means acknowledging that my circumstances don’t always look like God loves me, and that my emotions don’t always feel that God is good.
Perhaps, like me, you feel fear and weariness at times in waiting.
Maybe you have a hunger to be specifically loved, cared for, seen, and known.
Because we are embodied souls, we long to experience God’s goodness and care in tangible ways. We want to taste and see that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8) and look upon his goodness in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13).
Maybe in the disappointment of long waiting, long loneliness, and unanswered prayers, you’ve found yourself struggling to trust God.
Acceptance of hard or confusing circumstances doesn’t have to lead to depression, apathy, or bitterness, because while circumstances may have the loudest voice, Jesus is the one with the authority.
Jesus is the standard of God’s love and goodness, not the things we feel or experience or the seasons we are in.
Remembering this, I believe, is the great fight of every Christian who finds themselves in extended singleness.
- What is God doing in my singleness?
Short answer: He is doing what he does in every season; he is working for my good and his glory.
It may sound so simple and unrevelatory, but this is what God is doing in EVERY season of our lives.
Long answer:
A. Waiting on the Lord isn’t about simply waiting for an outcome, but allowing him renew and refresh my soul.
“But those who wait upon the LORD will renew their strength…” -Isaiah 40.31
B. God is sufficient for every unmet need and longing.
C. To live is Christ (Philippians 1:21).
My identify as a Christian is in Christ, not in a status (marital or otherwise).
D. I will always belong to Christ before I belong to anyone else.
“To those who are called, beloved in God the Father and kept for Jesus Christ.” -Jude 1b
E. Hope deferred should point me to hope secured.
The salvation and hope that Jesus Christ secured through his death on the cross is far stronger than the deferred hope that I’ve experienced.
Yes, hope deferred does make the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12), but God offers something far better than changing my circumstances – we have a “living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead” (1 Peter 1:3).
- What does God want from me in my singleness?
My trust.
I may not be anyone’s person, love, or “first choice,” but I am individually and specifically cared for by God.
My humility.
Someone annoyingly coined the phrases “single for a season” and “single for a reason.” Apart from placing an exceptionally long tack on their chair, I completely disagree.
All singles are single for a reason, but we may never know that reason.
It’s tempting to peer into the endless black hole of “why.” It leads to regret, condemnation, confusion, anger. Don’t do it (coming from one who has spent ample time in such a torture chamber). Have the humility to let go of the why, knowing that God is at work in ways you don’t see or understand yet.
My casting.
I can hand every question and every anxious thought over to the one who infinitely cares for me. In fact, God tells us to do this!
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” -1 Peter 5:6-7
My life (where I’m at, right here and right now).
My life as a single woman isn’t about finding a spouse – I still hope I do marry one day – but my life is about seeking Christ and his kingdom.
In my singleness I’m called to be an unsettled sign post to the world of Christ’s sufficiency.
My singleness isn’t about searching for a missing half (whatever that means) or overstretching myself to create some tangible kingdom of personal accomplishments.
It’s simply and gloriously about embracing the life that God has called me to today. I like to call it God’s “today plans” for my life.
It isn’t glamorous or visibly astounding, but it’s a kind of quiet and ordinary faithfulness, prayerfulness, and hopefulness that is rooted in the love of God through Jesus Christ.
Conclusion
I don’t know if one day I’ll be married, or if God has called me to lifelong singleness.
What I do know is that whether I’m married or unmarried, that the ending will be the same – eternity with my God and Savior.
I’m not going to get to heaven and tell Jesus, “So, why didn’t you let me get married?” or “Why did my life turn out this way?”
No.
Revelation 21:3-4 shows where my story (and yours) is headed:
“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
One day all of the waiting, longing, doubting, and struggling will pass away, and in its place will be Christ with his people. That’s the true happily ever after that we were all created to long for.
Hope in the Ashes 