A poem I jotted down today as I was thinking about how horrific the events of 9/11 are even 25 years later. We live in society that wants to shy away from the uncomfortable realities of suffering, tragedy, and death; but nevertheless those realities remain and demand that we look upon them (yet we do not grieve these realities without hope).
They were already dead but they jumped, already a casualty but they hoped – miracles do happen – so they leaped away from the unbearable flames, clinging to each breath that remained.
The day that terror reigned yet they fought – they knew they were dead but they clawed, refusing to give in to the hate of cowardly butchers of innocence, intent on destroying by violence.
Demons sought death by fire so they chose, they began to fly. They couldn’t escape; they would die but they refused, they defied the flames that were chosen and instead chose to do the unspoken.
It wasn’t suicide, but a battle cry of dignity, of humanity, of individuality. Terror tried to choose; but choices of the dead became a weapon; Gone but never truly broken
Trouble feels like all I know and all that will ever be, yet when my heart begins to fail, A mighty arm is holding me, holding me from within the veil.
Like a roar the wind blows and I can see no storm’s end, but hope will outlast the rising flood, Because I’m anchored to the One, the One who speaks a better word.
Clinging to the rock that clings to me My Father’s words will prevail Eternal love sealed in blood pierces the dark of stormy gales, Light pierced the dark in a stormy world.
With a better word, You speak Your life into me, because your precious blood has set me free. It’s the final word, instead of guilt, I’m reconciled. Every promise I long for, I know You will fulfill.
I came to the fields to sow some seed, hoping for a harvest to succeed, but when I stood before the hardened ground no seeds and no harvest were to be found. I prayed to the God of the harvest that He would provide as He had promised, but as I looked upon barren lands no life and no strength was in my hands. Everything that I hoped for was gone and I cried, “My God, what have you done?” I heard no great thunder in response and no resolve to my circumstance. In agony my anxious heart prevailed; I tried to understand why good had failed. As I angrily and anxiously prayed, I heard a quiet voice in my soul say, “Will you wrestle in vain with your lot, or will you be still and know that I am God?”
In other words: I have been living as a single woman longer than many young singles have been alive.
I actually hadn’t really thought of it until the past couple of weeks when I saw a few friends’ celebrations of marriage anniversaries. Initially I felt a bit shocked, then sad, and then I began considering all the things that God has been doing in my heart over the now two decades of praying for a spouse.
It feels strange to say, but it really is an anniversary, not of finding “the one,” but of learning to say, “Thy will be done.”
Extended singleness creates an uncomfortable liminality of hope deferred, not just for days, weeks, or months, but for years.
Some invisible assumptions I had for years was that my life must eventually turn out as I had hoped, that suffering must give way to resounding victory, or that singleness somehow meant that I had some sort of “special” ministry calling. I didn’t always have a category for unresolved hope deferred when it came to my desire for marriage.
Some waiting doesn’t end,
Some aches never go away,
Some longings are never fulfilled,
Some hopes die and remain dead,
Or at least, not in this life, not yet.
Accepting this reality can be disappointing, even devastating for singles desperately hoping for God to provide them with a spouse. The thought of giving my closely held desires into the Lord’s hands to sovereignly work as he pleases in my life is scary. It means letting go of control and potentially allowing God to take my life in directions I would never have chosen. It means acknowledging that my circumstances don’t always look like God loves me, and that my emotions don’t always feel that God is good.
Perhaps, like me, you feel fear and weariness at times in waiting.
Maybe you have a hunger to be specifically loved, cared for, seen, and known.
Because we are embodied souls, we long to experience God’s goodness and care in tangible ways. We want to taste and see that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8) and look upon his goodness in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13).
Maybe in the disappointment of long waiting, long loneliness, and unanswered prayers, you’ve found yourself struggling to trust God.
Acceptance of hard or confusing circumstances doesn’t have to lead to depression, apathy, or bitterness, because while circumstances may have the loudest voice, Jesus is the one with the authority.
Jesus is the standard of God’s love and goodness, not the things we feel or experience or the seasons we are in.
Remembering this, I believe, is the great fight of every Christian who finds themselves in extended singleness.
What is God doing in my singleness?
Short answer: He is doing what he does in every season; he is working for my good and his glory.
It may sound so simple and unrevelatory, but this is what God is doing in EVERY season of our lives.
Long answer:
A. Waiting on the Lord isn’t about simply waiting for an outcome, but allowing him renew and refresh my soul.
“But those who wait upon the LORD will renew their strength…” -Isaiah 40.31
B. God is sufficient for every unmet need and longing.
C. To live is Christ (Philippians 1:21).
My identify as a Christian is in Christ, not in a status (marital or otherwise).
D. I will always belong to Christ before I belong to anyone else.
“To those who are called, beloved in God the Father and kept for Jesus Christ.” -Jude 1b
E. Hope deferred should point me to hope secured.
The salvation and hope that Jesus Christ secured through his death on the cross is far stronger than the deferred hope that I’ve experienced.
Yes, hope deferred does make the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12), but God offers something far better than changing my circumstances – we have a “living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead” (1 Peter 1:3).
What does God want from me in my singleness?
My trust.
I may not be anyone’s person, love, or “first choice,” but I am individually and specifically cared for by God.
My humility.
Someone annoyingly coined the phrases “single for a season” and “single for a reason.” Apart from placing an exceptionally long tack on their chair, I completely disagree.
All singles are single for a reason, but we may never know that reason.
It’s tempting to peer into the endless black hole of “why.” It leads to regret, condemnation, confusion, anger. Don’t do it (coming from one who has spent ample time in such a torture chamber). Have the humility to let go of the why, knowing that God is at work in ways you don’t see or understand yet.
My casting.
I can hand every question and every anxious thought over to the one who infinitely cares for me. In fact, God tells us to do this!
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” -1 Peter 5:6-7
My life (where I’m at, right here and right now).
My life as a single woman isn’t about finding a spouse – I still hope I do marry one day – but my life is about seeking Christ and his kingdom.
In my singleness I’m called to be an unsettled sign post to the world of Christ’s sufficiency.
My singleness isn’t about searching for a missing half (whatever that means) or overstretching myself to create some tangible kingdom of personal accomplishments.
It’s simply and gloriously about embracing the life that God has called me to today. I like to call it God’s “today plans” for my life.
It isn’t glamorous or visibly astounding, but it’s a kind of quiet and ordinary faithfulness, prayerfulness, and hopefulness that is rooted in the love of God through Jesus Christ.
Conclusion
I don’t know if one day I’ll be married, or if God has called me to lifelong singleness.
What I do know is that whether I’m married or unmarried, that the ending will be the same – eternity with my God and Savior.
I’m not going to get to heaven and tell Jesus, “So, why didn’t you let me get married?” or “Why did my life turn out this way?”
No.
Revelation 21:3-4 shows where my story (and yours) is headed:
“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
One day all of the waiting, longing, doubting, and struggling will pass away, and in its place will be Christ with his people. That’s the true happily ever after that we were all created to long for.
You’re no worse than I could be apart from grace. We’re sinners caught in lies our tears cannot erase.
A man called Savior looked at me in my disgrace. His loving eyes could see the shame upon my face.
But for the grace of God go I, an enemy condemned to die. My darkness has been turned to light and undeserved eternal life. But for the life of Christ, but for the death of Christ, but for the love of Christ go I.
Instead of wrath and death I felt a warm embrace. I don’t deserve this love but Jesus took my place.
He swallowed up my curse; it’s gone without a trace. Only steadfast love remains – Amazing grace!
But for the grace of God go I, an enemy condemned to die. My darkness has been turned to light, and undeserved eternal life. But for the life of Christ, but for the death of Christ, but for the love of Christ go I
Good Shepherd – He’s calling to his own, “Come into my fold with blessing prepared from eternity before!” So take up your cross and follow the Lamb. Though he leads through storms and death to this world, He is the promise of life for all who follow Him.
Good Shepherd – Your glory laid aside, You walked among us, revealing the riches of the Father’s grace and love. Your great enemy to slay was our sin that took the joy of Eden away. Righteous for wicked, You gave your life for Your sheep and then took it up again.
Good Shepherd – Resurrection and life is where you lead your flock. All those your have found will never be lost. Many valleys and storms batter our fragile faith, but nothing will snatch us out of your steadfast hand. You came to give us life, and life abundantly
What starts out as vibrant, impassioned, hopeful prayer can sometimes fuzz and fizzle out with discouragement as waiting begins to feel like a permanency rather temporary.
I was reading in Luke 1 a couple of weeks ago and I was encouraged by a little jewel that I had overlooked before.
When Zechariah was serving as priest in the temple and Gabriel appears to him, he is told, “Do not be afraid, Zechariah, for your prayer has been heard, and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son…” (vs. 13). He was surprised by this announcement and in doubt said, “How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years” (vs.18). For those who remember, because he didn’t believe God’s words, he was mute until the birth of his son John (a simultaneously sobering and hilarious series of events).
God heard Zechariah’s prayer, and he remembered his prayer.
Had it been a long time since he had prayed for children? Had his formerly faith-filled prayers now become laced with doubt?
God heard and God remembered.
This is a comfort to those who feel stuck in weary cycle of praying and waiting. This is a reminder for the anxious heart that worried God has forgotten. God hears and remembers the prayers that his people pray, even after they have forgotten and become too discouraged to keep praying.
We can entrust what we hope for and wait for to our Father, and we can rest. We might forget. We might grow weary. Our hearts may fail us. But God will never overlook or forget – He will answer and bring comfort in His faithful way and time.
“I believe that I shall lookf upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!” -Psalm 27:13-14
“Everyone is beautiful” – How can it be true? They say beauty’s in the eye of the beholder… What if they mock? What if their minds are rotted and their passions sold, learning to see beauty as ugly and ugly beautiful?
“Just be yourself,” but don’t be too much. “You are enough” – You’re never enough. “Everyone is unique,” no one is unique. We learned too well that you’re as beautiful as you are seen and beheld.
Beauty is symmetry, smoothness and plasticity. That’s it – plasticity. Just one mold makes a thousand faces and bodies As long as the mold is good, any inner monstrosity is forgiven and forgotten. Shapes can learn to lie.
Beauty can’t be skin deep because skin changes, shifting forms like pottery on wheels of laughter and tears. Beauty has to run deeper. It has to last longer. it has to be stronger. Truly beautiful things are made by the Beautiful. It’s not by being beheld but by being and becoming more like Someone, not something.
This may seem like an odd poem, but the topic has been something I’ve been thinking about for a long time. Unrealistic messages about what it means to love, be beautiful, and be of value as a person. It truly breaks my heart to see and hear of so many teenagers and young adults having their hearts, minds, and bodies twisted by image and image of unrealistic beauty standards and lie after lie about what they should be living for. Freshly reminded that true wholeness, peace, freedom, security, beauty, and love are found in Christ alone.
P.S. If anyone reading this is struggling with any aspect of these topics right now, feel free to message me. I would love to pray for you. 💗
While looking down he sees beauty on a screen eyes like the moon and hair like the sea body like a curling wave breaking on soft, sandy shores
Drained through the night his eyes are red with weary, silent dirt and grime with a distant longing made hazy with a hunger for the drug of virtual candy
Maze of desires Echoes of dreams Like playing with fire The heart made ashes Bodies twisted like wire Humanity forfeited for screens.
Photo in her head and microscopic critics poked with needles strength wasted away but curves filled with poison like a balloon about to pop
Distorted mirrors her heart made sick with searching eyes stretched upward faces stitched together her body is like a toy yet her heart like a scared child
Maze of desires Echoes of dreams Like playing with fire The heart made ashes Bodies twisted like wire Humanity forfeited for screens.
Boys and girls caught in webs of fantasy looking on a screen longing for loving warmth in the coldness of virtual and the safety of distance
Shattered dreams nothing is real but the heart always looking but they never find because they’ve all forgotten what it is they’re looking for
We all try to climb a palace of ice the higher we go the less air we breathe trading the warmth of humanity for the absinthe of virtual dreams
Maze of desires Echoes of dreams Like playing with fire The heart made ashes Bodies twisted like wire Humanity forfeited for screens.
